The two week wait.
Who else dreads the two week wait?
It’s been our dream to have a child together since we fell in love 3 1/2 years ago. I have given birth to 3 beautiful children so I thought it would happen right away for us, but unfortunately it hasn’t.
I am currently on my 40th two week wait period. Which means I have spent two weeks out of each of the last 40 months hopeful that this month would finally be the one.
Any woman trying to conceive knows what these two weeks feel like.
The hope, the anticipation, daydreaming of how I’ll tell Bryan that it finally happened. How will I catch his reaction on video? The look of love and joy in his face. The tears in his eyes. I’ve fallen asleep to this vision so many nights, thinking of how I will make it special for him. He will be such an amazing daddy.
And then mother nature plays another cruel joke. I feel depleted and almost ashamed each month when my period starts, because, once again, my body has failed to create the baby we long for. Each month I tear up a little because I’ve gotten my hope’s up that this is our month, the month it will finally happen. Nope.
Then the feelings of shame set in.
Shouldn’t I feel lucky that I’m cycling on my own each month without needing to supplement with synthetic hormones. There are so many women that are fighting that extra battle, just to have a period, each month.
I am already blessed with 3 incredible kids. Do I really have the right to so desperately want another baby (or two)?
What business do I have trying to conceive in my 40’s? I’m too old to do this again. I’m already tired as it is. And would it really be fair to our future children to have parents that are so old? Will I even be able to keep up with them?
Is it fair to my teenage children to go through this experience and have to share my time and energy?
At my age there could be complications. I could be sick and on bed rest for months. I could develop preeclampsia again and have to depend on my kids to take on more responsibility and need to grow up sooner than necessary.
I will likely be a grandma in a few years. Why not just wait until then and show my grand babies the extra love?
And the biggest one, the shameful inner dialogue I fight with too often, Bryan is losing out on having a child of his own because my body is stupid and won’t cooperate. He could have married a younger woman that could have given him the baby he so desperately wants. I have ruined his life.
It goes on and on, that nagging voice in my head that makes me feel selfish and unworthy.
I have to remind myself…
When I get to this point I have to turn it away from me and remind myself that Bryan most definitely deserves a child of his own and he deserves it to be with the women he will be spending eternity with, THIS WOMAN, the one who is so fiercely and hopelessly in love with him. The one who adores every wonderful and quirky thing about him. The one who is an awesome mom to the kids she already has and has so much more love to offer.
Side notes:
At this point you may have asked yourself if we’re sure it’s my body being difficult or if, maybe, it’s actually his, but we know it’s my body that isn’t playing nice, we’ve done the tests.
Men have it very lucky! His testing was much more, dare I say, fun, than mine has been. He hasn’t had to do any awkward yoga type of positions on a cold table with a camera all up in his goodies in front of a small audience.
As I was saying…
Bryan is an incredible father to my 3 teenagers. I want so much to experience raising a child with him. I want to see his face the first time he holds our baby girl (it’s always a girl in these daydreams and she already has a name which I will hold close to my heart for now). He’ll cry, I know he will, and of course so will I. At almost 44 he’s always wanted to be a father.
Becoming a dad 3 years ago to 2 independent teen girls and a headstrong tween boy, isn’t exactly what he had in mind, I’m sure. Seeing his new born baby, giving her her first bath, taking a ridiculous amount of pictures, then kissing me and telling me how great I did; I imagine that is the picture that plays in his mind.
So, I wait another two week wait, and I hope that this will be our magical month.
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